After 25 years of doing couple therapy and couple research studies, I know that both Mary and Tim are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Submerged below is the massive real issue: both partners feel emotionally disconnected.

They are watching their backs, feeling criticized, shut-out and alone. Underneath all the loud arguments and long silences, partners are asking each other the key questions in the drama of love: “Are you there for me? Do I and my feelings matter to you? Will you respond to me when I need you?”  The answers to these questions, questions that are so hard to ask and so hard to hear in the heat of a fight, make the difference between emotional safety and emotional peril and
starvation.

We know from all the hundreds of studies on love that have emerged during the past decade that emotional responsiveness is what makes or breaks love relationships. Happy stable couples can quarrel and fight, but they also know how to tune into each other and restore emotional connection after a clash.

In our studies we find that seven out of ten couples who receive Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT can repair their relationship. They do this by finding a
way out of emotional disconnection and back into the safe loving contact that builds trust. But why can’t we all do this, even without a therapist? What gets in our way?  The new science of love tells us.

Our loved one is our shelter in life. When this person is unavailable and unresponsive we are assailed by a tsunami of emotions — sadness, anger, hurt and above all, fear. This fear is wired in. Being able to rely on a loved one, to know that he or she will answer our call is our innate survival code. Research is clear, when we sense that a primary love relationship is threatened, we go into a primal panic.

There are only three ways to deal with our sense of impending loss and isolation. If we are in a happy basically secure union, we accept the need for emotional connection and speak those needs directly in a way that helps their partner respond lovingly. If however we are in a wobbly relationship and are not sure how to voice our need, we either angrily demand and try to push our partner into responding, or we shut down and move away to protect ourselves. No matter the exact words we use, what we are really saying is, “Notice me. Be with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will chill out, try to stay in control.”

If these strategies become front and center in a relationship, then we are liable to get stuck in what I call the Demon Dialogues. These dialogues can take over your relationship. They create more and more resentment, caution and distance until we reach  a point where we feel the only solution is to give up and bail out.

There are 3 main Demon Dialogues that trap couples in no-solution emotional starvation and insecurity:

Find the Bad Guy.

This dead-end pattern of mutual blame keeps a couple miles apart. Fights look like a “who gets to define who” contest. As Pam says, “I am waiting for his put down. I have my gun ready. Maybe I pull the trigger when he isn’t even coming for me.” Both partners define the other as uncaring or somehow defective. Everybody loses. But this attack-attack pattern is hard to keep up. It is usually the opening measure to the most common and ensnaring dance of all — the Protest Polka.

The Protest Polka.

Psychologists knew for years that this demand-withdraw dance leads to divorce, but they weren’t able to figure out why is it so widespread and so deadly. We now understand that potent emotions and compelling needs keep this pattern going: the wired in need for emotional connection and the fear of rejection and abandonment. Even if our brains know that we are somehow making things worse by criticizing or shutting our partner out, we cannot just switch off this longing and fear.

“The more he refuses to talk to me or dismisses my feelings, the angrier I get and the more I poke him” says Mia. “Anything to get a response from him.” Her partner Jim picks up, “And the more I hear that angry tone in her voice, the more I just hear that I can never please her. I just get hopeless and more silent.”

It is this spiral that is the enemy, not the other partner, though neither partner recognizes this. Mia is protesting Jim’s distance. Jim is frantically trying to avoid her disapproval. They talk this way because they sense an alarming answer to the attachment question, “Are you there for me?”

In the Protest Polka, each person, in an attempt to deal with their sense of emotional disconnection unwittingly confirms the other’s worst fears and keeps this spiral going. In the end, the demanding protesting partner begins to give up the struggle for connection, grieve the relationship and also move away. This leads into the last dance of all.

Freeze and Flee.

In this dance both partner feel helpless. No-one is reaching for anyone here. No-one is taking any risks. Everyone has run for cover. In other relationships this might be fine for a while, but with the people we love, this “no
response” dance is excruciating. Indeed, the partner’s here aren’t really dancing at all. They are sitting out. We are not wired to tolerate this kind of isolation. If nothing changes, the relationship is in free fall.

When folks caught in Demon Dialogues come inand ask, “Is there any hope for us?”  I tell them, “Sure there is. When we understand what the drama of love is all about, what our needs and fears are, we can help each other step out of these negative dialogues into positive loving conversations that bring us in to each other’s arms and safely home.

The new science of love and loving has been evolving for over a decade. Now, as we begin the 21st century, we finally know what love is about and how it works. Here’s what we’ve learned:

• The need we have as children to be able to call to a special one and know that this person will respond with reassurance and comfort never goes away. To know that we are loved is the safe haven we all long for. The longing for this is wired into our brains from the cradle to the grave.

• The strongest among us are not those who can take or leave other people, but who can risk and reach out to them. These individuals know how to send clear emotional signals that pull others close. And close connection makes us stronger. Many months after 9/11, survivors who were comfortable turning to loved ones seemed to recover well, while those who turned away or were scared about relying on others still struggled with the ghosts of that day.

• Our brains are wired to see emotional isolation as dangerous and send a panic signal when we cannot get a loved one to respond. If we can’t reconnect, we either shut down or get demanding. Both of these strategies can backfire and push our lover away.

• When we have that special closeness to a loved one, while making love or just holding each other, we are flooded with a cuddle hormone, called oxytocin, found only in animals that are monogamous when they mate. Oxytocin gives us a sense of calm joy, while also  tamping down our stress hormones.

• Conflicts about the kids, sex ormoney don’t make or break a relationship. What really matters is emotional connection.  Underneath the discord, the real issue is that partners are questioning the security of their bond: “Are you there for me?” “Can I count on you to respond to me — to put me first?” When couples understand the fundamental issue, they can help each other reconnect. Then problems about the kids, sex or money are just differences, not relationship bombs.

Can this emerging knowledge help you come to a better understanding of your love relationship and build a closer, stronger and more trusting connection with your partner? Yes! You can learn to send clear emotional signals to your partner in a series of focused conversations that you can have with your partner.

These conversations are the central element of emotionally focused couple therapy or EFT. This therapy doesn’t give couples tips to tone down conflict or manuals on how to be nicer to each other. It teaches partners how to express our most basic needs and fears and how to engage in conversations that foster a secure, enduring and loving bond.

Twenty-five years of research tells us that after EFT, 7 out of 10 unhappy couples are able to repair their relationship. They are able to:

Step out of what I call the Demon Dialogues where partners get stuck in spirals of negative emotions and wind up shutting down and shutting their partner out, or in becoming so demanding in an effort to counter the lack of connection that they push their partner away. When you understand the emotions that you and your partner feel, you can see these spirals of disconnection as they are happening. Dealing with emotional disconnection in a positive way is a huge part of making your love relationship strong.

Forgive the injuries and hurts that poison love relationships and learn to trust again. If we understand the exquisite logic of love — we can understand how to heal the wounds love inflicts. The key moment in this forgiveness is when injured partners look into the eyes of their partner and see that their pain is shared. They are not alone.

But most important of all, these couples can then create Hold Me Tight conversations. These positive exchanges of loving responsiveness cultivate the close connection we all long for. I recall one couple. “I get so freaked out when I hear that disappointment or frustration in your voice,” Tim finally confided to Amy. “I guess I just run. I talk about tasks or concrete issues to get away from the feelings. I don’t know how to tell you that I go all hopeless. A voice in my head says that I will never make it with you. At these times, I need to know that you are my lady, even if I am just blundering along and make all these mistakes.” When Tim is open like this, he gives Amy what she has always wanted. She tells him, “I don’t need a perfect Tim. I just need you to be with me, to share with me like this.”

This kind of conversation creates the kind of safe connection that we all need and is the formula, at last we have one, for a lifetime of love.

If you look at the images that bombard us every day from magazines and movies, good sex is instantaneous, totally mutual, cataclysmic, and is best at the very beginning of a relationship.

In fact, surveys tell us that in real life, folks in long term relationships who can talk  openly about their sex life have more and better sex than new or more reticent couples. What really determines what kind of sex you are going to have isn’t the novel positions you find in the sex manual or the new tips in the latest magazine. It’s how safely attached you are to your partner. Emotional presence and trust are the biggest aphrodisiacs of all.

The new science of attachment tells us that there are really 3 kinds of sex.

Sealed-Off Sex

This is all about reducing sexual tension, achieving the big O and feeling good about your sexual prowess. The name of the game is sensation, the more the better and performance, or the “God I am hot” quotient. The relationship with the other person is secondary. For a one night stand this is maybe okay. In a long term relationship this is bad news. Men seem to be more able to practice this kind of sex. They are wired to move quickly from arousal to orgasm. Women take longer to become aroused and needs more co-ordination happening with a partner to really enjoy sex.

Sealed off Sex works fine for one night stands. It is one-dimensional so continual novelty is mandatory. This kind of sex can be mutually satisfying occasionally in long term relationships, but if it is the norm, the relationship is in trouble. This kind of impersonal sex has the effect of making a partner feel used and emotionally alone.

Regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. When this is missing, partners are swamped with a sense of isolation and  deprivation.

“When we make love, I feel like I could be anyone,” Kerrie tells me. “It just reinforces for me the sense that I don’t really matter to him.” Bill, her partner, tells her, “Well, we haven’t been getting along, so I try to get close by coming onto you. But I guess I don’t feel sure enough, safe enough to slow down and really get into it. So I just go with the sensation. In the end, I don’t really enjoy it that much either.” Lack of emotional connection shuts off real eroticism.

When this sex is the norm in a relationship, it’s time to pay attention to the lack of safe emotional connection outside the bedroom.

Solace Sex

This occurs when we are not quite sure that our partner is really there for us, when we need lots of reassurance. If we are anxious about whether we can depend on our partner, we get caught up in pleasing our lover to win his or her approval. We concentrate on cuddling and affection rather than abandoning ourselves in love-making. Comforting tender touch is part of good sex, but when we get preoccupied with gaining reassurance, eroticism suffers.

With Solace Sex, we are highly sensitive to signs of rejection. So when our lover says, “I just don’t feel like it tonight”, we can’t manage to respond, “Oh, that is disappointing. I was looking forward to making love. But we can make it another time or just chat for a while.”  Instead, we free fall into catastrophic thinking, doubting that we are really loved. As a result, we often wind up pressuring our partner to have sex or getting into arguments about exactly why they are not feeling sexy.

When this kind of sex is the norm, it’s time to talk to your partner about your anxieties. The safe you feel the more you will be able to let go and enjoy your sexuality.

Synchrony Sex

This is when emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch and erotic exploration all come together. This is the sex that fulfills, satisfies and connects. The key prerequisite here is not wild sexual techniques but a safe emotional bond.

The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings. We can literally tune into each other and co-ordinate our sexual dance, sensing each others inner state and responding to how arousal shifts and peaks. Emotional safety shapes physical synchrony and physical synchrony shapes emotional safety.

Synchrony Sex that deepens our bond with our lover, feeds our own sense of ourselves as attractive desirable sexual beings, and makes lovemaking a reliable source of eroticism and joy. Research tells us that those who can count on their partner to be there for them emotionally, who say that they have a secure bond, have sex more often and enjoy sex more.

When people feel safe with each other they can also deal with the sexual differences and problems that inevitably come up in a long term love relationship. What I tell the couples who come to see me to improve their relationship is that “Practice and emotional presence make perfect in the bedroom”.

The thrill in this kind of sex is like the ‘safe adventure’ of dancing tango with a trusted partner. You are totally engaged in the dance and let the emotional and physical music take you over.  The dance is then constant improvisation and play. Emotional presence and trust is the biggest  aphrodisiac of all and the thrill can last a lifetime.

When you can have this kind of sex, rejoice and hold your lover tight. This is the way sex was supposed to be.

Here is some of what we know:

1) We are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but maturity and strength.
So don’t feel ashamed of this need for a safe loving bond.

2) In love relationships emotional hurt is a mixture of anger, sadness but most of all, fear. Fear of being abandoned, and rejected. This hurt registers in the same part of our brain as physical hurt. It is too hard to push these feelings aside or ignore them. The first step to dealing with injuries in love is to pinpoint the feeling and then to send clear messages about this hurt to the one you love.
So don’t just “ignore hurts” with the idea that they will up and go away.

3) The strongest among us are those who can reach for others. Love is the best  survival strategy of all. We all long for a safe haven love relationship. Self-sufficiency is just another word for loneliness.
So risk reaching out and fighting for this safe haven. It is the best investment you’ll ever make.

4) Relationships can survive partners being very different. Even if you think you are from different planets it’s okay. The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection. Conflict is often less dangerous for your love than distance.
So after a fight, put it right. Repair it, heal the rift between you.

5) There is no perfect lover. That is only in the movies. We shut down when we think we have failed as lovers, when we have disappointed. But our lover doesn’t want perfect performance. In the end he or she needs our emotional presence.
So it’s okay to say “I don’t know what to do or say.” Just stay open and present.

6) The fights that matter are never about sex, money or the kids. That is just the ripple on the surface of the sea. They are about someone protesting, often in an indirect way that is hard to understand, the loss of safe emotional connection. The most terrible trap in a love relationship is when one person really wants to say, “Where are you? Do I matter to you?” but instead becomes critical and demanding and the other person feels hopeless and inadequate and moves away. The lovers then get caught in emotional starvation, stalemate and more and more disconnection.
So do try to tell each other when you feel lonely and like you are failing at being the perfect partner, especially if you are having lots of fights about tasks. Look beneath the surface.

7) We only have two ways to deal with the vulnerability of love when we can’t connect. Get mad and move in fast to break down the other’s walls or try not to care so much, and build a wall to protect yourself. Which one do you do? You probably learned it very young.
So do try to listen to your longings and risk reaching to connect. These other two options are traps that drive your lover away from you.

8) A loving relationship is the best recipe for a long and happy life that exists. Holding your lover tight is the ultimate antidote to stress. Cuddle hormones turn off stress hormones!
So do take time to hold and canoodle. It’s better than taking your vitamins.

9) Lasting passion is entirely possible in love. Infatuation is just the prelude. An attuned loving bond is the symphony. This kind of bond creates what I call synchrony sex. Sex becomes a safe adventure.
So don’t give up when sex goes into a temporary slump. Talk about it. Making love without candid conversation is like landing a 747 without help from the control tower!

10) The key moments in love are when partners open up and ask for what they need and the other partner responds. This demands courage but this is the moment of magic and transformation.
So take a deep breath and listen into your emotions. Let them tell you what you need. Then tell your partner that they are so special to you that you want to take a risk and tell them what you need from them most. Keep it simple and honest.

When you have a blueprint for love you can build it. In EFT studies seven out of ten couples repair their relationship. Love doesn’t have to be a mystery anymore.